hello,

my name is kathrin,

i exercise a lot. every morning before i head to work (1 1/2 hour mix of cardio and weights) and i try to only eat organic food, a lot of vegetables, fish and rarely meat. i take a ton of vitamins/subliments and drink a protein shake almost every day.
I have a steady job and an amazing husband, great friends and a lovely family.

this is one side of me -

but there is another one...

i woke up this morning with the worst headache, dry mouth, achy body feeling, fully clothed and no memory at all. my husband already got up and i could hear him from his room typing on the keyboard on his computer. my head pounded.
i tried to remember any parts of last night, how did i came home? who was with me? what was the last place i remember? than i suddenly rushed into the kitchen trying to find my purse which holds my passport, my money,my keys, everything..

this is a common routine for me because this happened not the first time, no - it happens every god damn week. mostly more than one time during this 7 day period.
the worst thing this time - i swore to myself, this time i only drink 1-2 glasses of light booze, no shots and will go home before midnight.

i actually tried this several times before - and again: i failed. completely. i cannot go out to a bar, order one drink, have fun with my friends and go home to sleep. i HAVE to be the last man(girl) standing. always. besides other people, my brain does not tell me when to stop. my body doesn't either. it's a seamless transfer over to the other self of mine which i call 'the robot'. because everything from the point i passed the un-visible border of drunkenness, my body goes on auto-pilot. apparently i am still able to talk and act and keep drinking during this period (which i don't remember at all) because sometimes i wake up with evidence like random phone numbers, lighters, photos or similar.

once i woke up completely drenched and with an almost broken wrist plus a lot of bruises and scars - and my wallet and purse was gone. my husband told me a random guy found me sitting in the streets in the pouring rain, drunk as shit and bought me up the stairs to my apt. i woke up the next morning looking and feeling like the last piece of shit on earth and i cannot believe that he didn't just left me at this point.
he is the kindest, loveliest person on earth and the fear of loosing him grows ever time another social night out comes close….

3 days ago, on monday 9th, 2012 i decided again to stop drinking. but this time i am very serious. i am not going drink anything which includes alcohol at all - for 90 days. (and hopefully if i made it this far i can say no forever and say goodbye to the robot-me once and for all)