Day 26

i am so bored. frustrated. depressed. the fun in life is totally gone. i don't see any benefit in cropping myself out of anything fun anymore. this was definitely the most boring month ever. the worst thing - i finally got my greencard and i haven't celebrated it AT ALL. this was my dream my whole life and now i have it. and there is no way to celebrate it. i have it and it seems i can't even express my excitment and share it with others other than on facebook. this is another thing which makes me want to kill myself. reading my friend's posts and shares about what they did last night. i don't have anything to share anymore. no more fun pictures to put up. my status would read: "sat on my couch, drank a protein shake, watched 'the hills' (yes, this is how far it came..) and took some 'calmes forte' or sudafed-kinda pill to put me asleep fast and long that i don't wake up too early and have to deal with another long boring day and early go-to-sleep routine. i wish i could take a pill which fast-forwards the 2 more months to go. it feels like 3 entire months will be cut off my life and i really don't know what i am gaining here anymore at this point. besides loosing dates with friends and getting jealous of other people's social life. it totally SUCKS!

DAY 19  

Yay!my greencard arrived in the mail today! this is a huge step in my life and means i can finally be safe planning a life in the USA without worrying for getting visas and leaving the USA anymore. i was at a bar the first time since starting this and it was a party from my company to celebrate their successful last year. everything was free, every drink, every food and almost everyone was there. i managed to avoid alcohol and ordered non-alcoholic beer. it tastes like water with a light beer flavor but it was better than having a softdrink. i stayed for 4 hours, had about 4 of those 'beers' and had some fun. it was good - i am happy i stayed strong. tomorrow i will go out to see my friends band playing but i will stick to water with lemon.

Day 14

i had the worst nightmares ever last night. i dreamed i found a small tooth next to my left front tooth that has never been there before. it was loose so i tried to pull it and when it came off my whole front row of teeth cracked and fell out, too.
i suddenly woke up but went to sleep again and the next thing i know is that i tried to wake up, half in a dream half wakeup already. when i finally could make it back to reality i remember i dreamed i was on a bender again. but this time it took me only one glass of champagne, one beer and one glass of white wine to get blackout drunk. in my dream i was at a bar and i woke up next to my husband next morning, having this bad feeling of memory loss again and he looked at me and said "you did it again". i tried to defend "but i only had THREE drinks and i stopped after" and than realized, i didn't even remember if i stopped or what else happened after the last white wine i remembered. my tolerance for alcohol is going lower and lower..
the 2nd weekend sober and inside my apt and i am reading about my friends crazy nights and happenings on facebook every morning and feel i am drifting away from them with every day of staying away. on the other hand i am too afraid of myself trying to hangout with them at a bar, at night, staying strong and avoiding any kind of alcohol. the recent dream kinda reminded me too that it is way too early and all i would want if i were going is having the same fun as them, drinking and dancing and chatting, checking out the scene and just getting loose and putting all pressure behind.
i am afraid i will never be able to have that feeling again. it's driving me crazy..

Day 12

YES, i got the greencard!! me and my husband went to the interview yesterday in long island to hopefully pass all questions and evidence and finally got the greencard. i feel so relieved.. it was a lot of trouble and pressure and money to get all papers together, learning and matching answers and dates about our relationship and paying/communicating with my lawyer the last months. i wish i could celebrate this with a glass of champagne! but instead i drank a huge protein shake and listened to 80's music all night long. the 2nd weekend without alcohol is coming up and i am ok with it for now because it's freezing outside and i just took on a freelance design job which will take most of my time. let's go.

Day 9

the past week was probably one of the longest ever. after my class yesterday me and my husband wanted to go to dinner to a new restaurant around the corner from our apt. it started snowing outside (the first snow this year!) and as we entered the restaurant we saw it was already pretty packed. the waitress told us there will be a 45 minute waiting line and recommended getting a drink beforehand at the bar next door. oh jeez - how badly i wanted that to happen. of course, normally we would totally get a nice cocktail/champagne beforehand and sit down to dinner whenever they were ready to serve us but now things are different.
we decided to take a raincheck on the restaurant and went home instead ordering in. well, at least i found a good sushi place to get some decent rolls and sashimi but of course it is not the same. dining is not the same anymore without enjoying a glass of wine with it and let the evening flow. it was one of my favorite things to do and now i have to let it go. i guess i will order in more from now on..

Day 8

i just come back from my first Tae Kwon Do class and it was great. this is definitely a sport i wanna try to stick with it and get good at it. and with classes on saturday mornings, too it makes it even easier for me to stay in on a friday night in order to make it to the class. i made it through my first week without even a drop of alcohol and i gotta say i am a little proud of myself..:)

Day 6

the beauty of staying sober on a friday night is waking up on saturday morning without a hangover, ready to start the day. i went to the upper east side, bought a beautiful pair of black louboutin pumps at barneys, walking around central park and drinking a latte at the trump tower. i guess i am watching too much gossip girl. i love the ability to feel like a million bucks in this city by just jumping on the train and discovering all the beauty manhattan has to offer. the first time i came here just to visit a friend i immediately fell in love with new york. i am getting goose bumps remembering the part when the plane flew into JFK at night and the city was luminous and vibrant and i could not believe i was actually being a part of it even just for one week. on my way back to germany i made a promise to myself that i am going to come back, getting a job and spend my life there. that vision became reality.
it's a saturday night and it is actually the very first whole week including the weekend that i am not going out/meeting friends at a bar/ getting drunk. it feels weird but thank god it's really cold outside so it makes it a little easier..

Day 5

i'm together, in control; i'm the person you want me to be.
to tell the truth would mean disclosing my full self, owning up to flaws and imperfections and depths of confusion i was too ashamed to reveal:
i am not in control at all; i am deeply fucked up.
i managed it to lie to everybody at my office yesterday; telling i am coming to the party to celebrate the transfer of a co-worker to rio de janeiro after i dropped my stuff at home. but of course i never came. i stayed in trying to displace the urge to hang out and get drunk with another addiction - high heels. i saw a girl walking in front of me the other day with one of the most beautiful pair of heels i've ever seen: black leather, skinny heel with some slick golden wings on each side and a golden sole. i made it my goal to find these shoes and get them - no matter how expensive they are..

Day 4

the advise i get from every source of information is to stay away from places where you can get booze and don't hang out with friends who are likely to drink. which is - honestly - 99% of my friends. given that fact i denied already my first plans for hanging out today evening and the weekend. my plan is to lock myself inside my apartment and try to focus on some work i want to finish and a book i am reading at the moment. i also signed up for a trial class in tae kwon do for this saturday morning which gives me even more an excuse to stay in and get up early. fresh, without a hangover, able to join the class.
i am afraid of this weekend and the next weekends and all days to come. i am afraid of loosing every social contact i have, loosing friends and become the boring girl which stays in every night. that girl i talked bad about while i still went out to bars and parties, drinking, having fun.
but i also know in my case this is the only way.
it's thursday - a night i normally go out for a drink. my workplace is having a get-together at a bar close to the agency later. i have to stay strong..

hello,

my name is kathrin,

i exercise a lot. every morning before i head to work (1 1/2 hour mix of cardio and weights) and i try to only eat organic food, a lot of vegetables, fish and rarely meat. i take a ton of vitamins/subliments and drink a protein shake almost every day.
I have a steady job and an amazing husband, great friends and a lovely family.

this is one side of me -

but there is another one...

i woke up this morning with the worst headache, dry mouth, achy body feeling, fully clothed and no memory at all. my husband already got up and i could hear him from his room typing on the keyboard on his computer. my head pounded.
i tried to remember any parts of last night, how did i came home? who was with me? what was the last place i remember? than i suddenly rushed into the kitchen trying to find my purse which holds my passport, my money,my keys, everything..

this is a common routine for me because this happened not the first time, no - it happens every god damn week. mostly more than one time during this 7 day period.
the worst thing this time - i swore to myself, this time i only drink 1-2 glasses of light booze, no shots and will go home before midnight.

i actually tried this several times before - and again: i failed. completely. i cannot go out to a bar, order one drink, have fun with my friends and go home to sleep. i HAVE to be the last man(girl) standing. always. besides other people, my brain does not tell me when to stop. my body doesn't either. it's a seamless transfer over to the other self of mine which i call 'the robot'. because everything from the point i passed the un-visible border of drunkenness, my body goes on auto-pilot. apparently i am still able to talk and act and keep drinking during this period (which i don't remember at all) because sometimes i wake up with evidence like random phone numbers, lighters, photos or similar.

once i woke up completely drenched and with an almost broken wrist plus a lot of bruises and scars - and my wallet and purse was gone. my husband told me a random guy found me sitting in the streets in the pouring rain, drunk as shit and bought me up the stairs to my apt. i woke up the next morning looking and feeling like the last piece of shit on earth and i cannot believe that he didn't just left me at this point.
he is the kindest, loveliest person on earth and the fear of loosing him grows ever time another social night out comes close….

3 days ago, on monday 9th, 2012 i decided again to stop drinking. but this time i am very serious. i am not going drink anything which includes alcohol at all - for 90 days. (and hopefully if i made it this far i can say no forever and say goodbye to the robot-me once and for all)